I *really* miss Japan.

Sorry Everyone-- this post is of a much more personal nature. I don't typically post this kind of content, but as my current thoughts and state of mind are quite overwhelming, it's the only thing fit for me to write about right now.

My readers don't need to look through many of my posts to understand that I really love Japan. Recently, however, something seems to have changed. During my first few visits to that wonderful place, I knew instantly that it could easily become my favourite place on Earth, and I thought that I might enjoy living there some day. Still, I was always more or less happy to get home and get back to my routine.

On 21-Oct I left the U.S. to begin my 5th trip over there. During the third week of my trip, an unexpected feeling came over me-- I stopped feeling like an outsider and felt very much "at home;" like I belong there. I have lots of wonderful friends in Japan, and now family, too. I miss them all. I miss being surrounded by the culture that I love so much. Since coming back to the U.S., I feel....well, homesick! Yeah. I know that it's kind of unrealistic-- after all I did not grow up in Japan. Regardless, however, homesick is definitely what I feel and it's depressing.

After my company opened an office in Tokyo almost 2 years ago, I started to fantasise about my dreams turning into reality, and thought it might be relatively simple to re-locate. I think I was a bit too eager and recently met with the CTO of my company to discuss the matter. I learned that his expectations are very high and that simply moving overseas to continue doing the same job I already do is not what he has in mind. Now I'm feeling very unsure of my future and my possibilities for living in the place that I feel to be my home.

All of these experiences have compounded into a depressing feeling of inadequacy and desperation. These are feelings to which I am unaccustomed, and I can't remember having any experiences that were even similar to this since I was 18 and found myself on a U.S. Navy ship, in the middle of the Indian Ocean, en route to the Persian Gulf to help free Kuwait from Saddam Hussein (or whatever it was that we were really doing over there).

I still can't figure out why my wife decided to leave Japan and move over here to the U.S., although I am happy that she did. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next.